The London Telegraph

I have this week, in joy, to publish the official announcement of the recent redesignment of The London Telegraph. A short time ago and to quiet praise was this carefully considered change unto Star Journal of the British Empire enacted and unveiled. This effort was made to reduce the eye-strain associated with long periods of perusal of the news as well as to make the affairs of the Empire more palatable to the curious youth by improving the medium by which they are primarily delivered—numerous thorough, scientifical studies have confirmed that young people without fail respond to this most recent aesthetic.

Regarding this fresh façade, it is of my opinion that I should divulge the inspiration from which it was borne. As Colton stated unequivocally in Lacon: Or Many Things in Few Words (1820), ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’. The imitator here, is this very paper held in your hands, the inspiration The Star of Albion. Additionally were design elements culled from many weeks (each comprising of many long nights by paraffin lantern) of exhaustive research into the contemporaneous designs of our era, including the latest in broadsheet and tabloid designs as well as the celebrated art of ‘Marketing’.

It is important to address some of the reasons for this change. It has recently come to my own personal opinion, one opined by the overwhelming majority of my circle, that journals laden with ink make very awful packaging for a standard lunch of fish and chips, inking them terribly; with this and the ‘Working Man’ in mind have we at The London Telegraph sought to reduce the quantities of ink used in our pressing; with the additional savings incurred we have been able to use the finest in lead- and arsenic-based pigments (in all the varying shades of grey) for your ocular pleasure. Considerably reduced are the number of garish advertisements (so common in our rivals’ broadsheets!) and in their place something of an experiment in beautiful type.

The exact details of this redesignment are available for the interest of the artisically-inclined in a special section of this week’s paper, hereafter termed the colophon, available on the furthest back page of the journal. The afore-mentioned colophon may even capture the attention of the mildly curious! In closing, much response to this fantastic renovation is anticipated and we assure you, our Loyal Reader, that we will make special effort to publish each letter received.

Faithfully, ever in your Service,

B. Webber, Ed.